Students take on more and more responsibility for their own success, learning to communicate directly with teachers without relying on parent intervention. There are times, however, when a pressing issue or concern will make you wonder whether you need to contact the school. This is a difficult decision, and often the communication guidelines are not clear cut. Here are some tips to help you decide when and how to get involved.
- Ask your child, but don't rely solely on the answer.
Most children by the time they are 9-10 years old don't want their parents and teachers to have any "out-of-the-ordinary" meetings. They take their role as home-school courier very seriously and want to control communication. This is especially true for middle school adolescents, and even more so for high school students, who consider themselves "adults." Of course, this doesn't stop any of them from coming home with tales of teacher and peer injustices that place parents in the uncomfortable position of having to decide, "How serious is this?"
If your child is complaining about teachers, peers, or social situations, ask if he wants you to contact the teacher. More than likely, you will immediately be told, "No!" Even so, asking will open the door for you to watch and listen to your child. Ask your child to reflect on his role in the situation being related. However, keep in mind that most kids tell a story starting from the point where someone else is wrong — hardly ever the real beginning! "Fact finding" with your child encourages him to take some ownership of the events and his behavior. It can also lead to positive discussions about how to handle a similar situation, should it arise again.
- Don't worry about isolated events, but deal with larger problems.
If you see a pattern developing — an ongoing problem with the same person or similar types of conflicts with different children and teachers — it's time to contact the school. Don't wait until you're so angry that you're in an attack mode, though, convinced your child is a victim of everyone around her and that her teacher is failing to recognize this.
When you do speak with the teacher, be prepared to hear what it is that your child may be doing to escalate or even initiate the situation. Ask what the teacher can do during school time to help your child recognize and rectify negative situations. In addition, ask how you can follow up the teacher's actions at home so that the two of you can form a united front that will guide and encourage your child towards a positive resolution. Schedule times when you can check in with the teacher, and be diligent about this! This will keep the teacher's involvement consistent and impress upon your child the importance of the situation. In this wonderful technology age, e-mail is a great way to solidify the home-school connection without having to work around both your schedules.
- You may be the first to see that your child is struggling.
Teachers have no way of knowing how class lessons and their assignments are being "played out" at home. Many children will not tell a teacher that they don't understand what is being taught. They do not want to appear "stupid" in front of their peers and will go to great lengths to hide their need for help. Once home, however, they expect their parents to re-teach the concept and explain the homework. As kids get older and the curriculum more specialized, this re-teaching eventually becomes impossible for parents to do — leading to frustration, anger, and "scenes" that are upsetting to both parents and kids.
If this is going on at your house, contact the teacher and report it; your child won't. Typically, this is an easy problem for the teacher to correct — with individual attention, daily check-ins, or modified assignments. Initially, your child might be angry with you for intervening, but the decrease in his stress level — not to mention your own — will make it worthwhile.
- A serious family illness or crisis needs to be communicated.
Though none of the school's business, serious family issues should, none the less, be brought to the teacher's attention. Nearly always, if there is something going on at home, kids bring that baggage to school, and it can keep them from learning, working to the best of their abilities, or making appropriate behavior choices. Given time constraints and the large numbers of kids in one room, teachers must react to behaviors without taking time to analyze the reasoning behind each child's actions. In most instances, this is necessary and fair; however, this may not be the case when there are extenuating circumstances.
If your child is already on edge due to circumstances beyond her control, the last thing she needs is for a teacher to pile on extra pressure. You can prevent this by keeping your child's teacher "in the loop." An informed teacher can help you monitor your child's transition through a difficult time and provide your child with support, a safe outlet for conversation, and extra "TLC."
Deciding under what circumstances and how frequently to intervene on your child's behalf is difficult. It's often useful to let "Less is More" serve as your guiding principle. Your child's ability to develop social and academic problem-solving skills depends on your ability to guide and encourage but not control. In addition, your words and wishes will carry more weight at school if you save them for the big issues.